remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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