I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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