maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
