I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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