remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
