I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
