apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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