i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
