My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
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Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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