remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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