Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals