Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
