you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
