Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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