I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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