Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Four minutes until I can fart!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
