New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
