I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
