After last night, I could never be a politician.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
