Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
