I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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