at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
