so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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