i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
