I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
