I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's blow job season.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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