Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
