I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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