I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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