Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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