i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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