I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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