Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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