I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
