That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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