I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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