Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sobbing to NWA
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
