Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
