I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
