May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
