Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
