life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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