Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
