i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
