I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
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All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
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And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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