chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
