I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
