I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
