My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
