if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
