he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
