Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
