Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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