i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
