I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
