Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
