Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
