I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
