Your face is a jimmy john
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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