The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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