a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
